Notes on the Atrocities
Like a 100-watt radio station, broadcasting to the dozens...

Friday, August 01, 2003  

I've been thinking of instituting "Satire Friday" for a few weeks now. This seems like a good week to start--


BOSTON--In a surprising announcement Friday, Pope John Paul II said he will begin writing a weekly syndicated sex-advice column. "Recent legislation and legal rulings from prominent North American countries have convinced me that the state of sexual relations between human beings is no longer addressed with the dignity and morality it once was. Clearly, someone must step forth and provide guidance on these matters, and I have elected to be that person."

Each week, the Pope will select two or three questions from readers and give "wholesome, pro-family advice." "We've gone astray. Marriages have always formed the backbone of healthy society. But so many people nowadays don't take the vows seriously. Or if they do, they're often gays and lesbians who engage in activity that goes against the natural moral law." The Pope went on to explain the column. "I will provide handy tips for the married lover, and useful advice for those who wish to know where to take a nice Catholic girl on a date, that kind of thing."

The news was greeted with shock in this scandal-wracked city. "Natural law?" asked a confused Nina Spinnetti, who was visiting Faneuil Hall with her two children. "I thought the Pope dealt in religious law--what, he's going all Thoreau now?" In Cambridge, sanitation worker Patrick McQuillen expressed his confusion. "Dating tips? Has the man ever been on a date? Don't answer that. I don't want to know. And I don't ever want to hear him say the words 'married lover' again. Lord."

Newly appointed Archbishop Sean P. O'Malley tried to remain diplomatic. "Well, it is a serious issue. You have to admire his effort." Later, however, the Archbishop admitted it wasn't good timing. "I wish we could have a few years where the topic wasn't sex, to tell you the truth. I'm not sure our track record really gives us the authority to speak on these matters." When a reporter asked what monks actually knew about sex, O'Malley sighed. "Yes, there's that, too. Not really our area of expertise. Except for--but they shouldn't be giving advice."

The column will be syndicated in America and Mexico, but not Canada. "Canada has long teetered on the edge of moral depravity, but now I'm afraid it's fallen in. Yes, Canada is lost," said a rueful Pontiff in an interview today. "But the US and Mexico remain bulwarks of morality. With help from such men as President George Bush and Majority Leader Trent Lott, we can stamp out the trend of gay marriage before it begins." When told Trent Lott was no longer the Majority Leader, the Pope replied, "But the Republicans still have the majority, right?"

The first edition will run on Tuesday.

posted by Jeff | 1:52 PM |
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