Notes on the Atrocities Like a 100-watt radio station, broadcasting to the dozens...
Friday, January 09, 2004
Friday Satire. Oh, I guess this explains it.
BUSH ANNOUNCES PLANS TO LEAD TEAM TO MARS
HOUSTON--(AP) A day after unveiling a new "human exploration" agenda, President Bush today announced he would lead the expedition to Mars, currently slated for sometime in 2009. Standing in front of the Space Shuttle Atlantis and wearing a NASA space suit, the President said a new age was dawning on American civilization.
"America's aspirations have always been greater than this beautiful blue globe could contain, and I tell you here today that the year after I step down from the Presidency, I plan to be the first man from Earth to step down on the red planet."
President Bush, who served an undetermined amount of time as an Air National Guard pilot during the 70s, says he is just the man to lead this expedition, despite having no formal aeronautics training. "When the United States was threatened by terrorists, we needed a bold leader with a bold vision. When Saddam Hussein threatened us with plans to one day build weapons systems, we needed a bold leader with a bold plan. And to travel millions of miles through space to put an American flag on the planet of Mars, we need a bold leader with a bold plan. I, ladies and gentleman, am that bold leader."
This phase of the Human Exploration Agenda (pronounced hu-ah by the White House) is tentatively being called Operation Fearless Leader. Vice President Dick Cheney has convened an advisory committee to help guide the process. Although the members of the committee are not being made public, sources close to the White House say they include leaders from many of the companies involved in the reconstruction of Iraq, including Halliburton and Bechtel.
NASA officials, who weren't consulted about OFL (which the White House said is not pronounce "awful"), said they were overwhelmed by the President's support. "We just spoke about it while we walked down the hallway on the way to the briefing," said Deputy Administrator Frederick D. Gregory. "But our initial impressions are very favorable."
For Democrats in congress and on the campaign trail, the news comes as quite a blow. Said Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle, "Running against a popular President who is also planning to lead a mission to Mars--man, that's going to be hard."
Some in the Democratic presidential race were unswayed, however. Former General Wesley Clark dismissed the proposal, saying he'd already planned a similar expedition. "Mars? You see what I'm talking about--the man can only think small. I've been planning ever since the Columbia went down to go Saturn. I just hadn't made the announcement. That's what you'll get from a Clark presidency--big thinking."
The White House said further details about the Mars expedition would be announced in late October.