Notes on the Atrocities Like a 100-watt radio station, broadcasting to the dozens...
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Predictions I can live with
With exit polling absurdly already available, I will now offer a few predictions about tonight's primaries.
1. Sometime before turning in, I'll be stricken with mild to moderate melancholy upon hearing the drone of Kerry's Senatorial voice or upon gazing at his vast chin.
2. Dean will be declared "dead," by 84% of pundits, irrespective of the outcome. The remaining 16% will say he's "in big trouble."
3. John Edwards' hair will inspire 13% of the electorate to ask, "How old did you say he was, again?"
4. I will receive no fewer than 4 emails from the Kucinich campaign.
5. Janet Jackson's right hooter will continue to fascinate more Americans than any of the Democratic candidates, but will, in the end, receive fewer delegates.
6. Joe Lieberman will begin to tout how he "opened a can of whoop-ass" on Al Sharpton in Delaware, and repeat the Joe-mentum line. Sadly, only 26 people will hear it because not a single TV camera will be at Lieberman HQ.
7. Kerry will announce his love to Missouri, but tell New Mexico he just wants to be friends.
8. I will not make any predictions about who will win any states, but will continue to declare my Dean allegiance to the end--however bitter it may turn out to be.