Notes on the Atrocities
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Friday, March 26, 2004  

From the office of the White House

***For Immediate Release***

Recently, a former junior member of the Bush cyber security team, Richard Clarke, made some unsubstantiated allegations about the administration's foreign policy--apparently to promote a new tell-all book just hitting shelves. In routine background checks made since publication of his book, the administration has uncovered some disturbing facts about Mr. Clarke. In the interest of national security, the White House feels compelled--reluctantly--to release the findings of its inquiry.

Richard Clarke was once a powerful man. In the Clinton White House, he held a cabinet-level position as so-called "Terrorism Czar." In that position, Clarke lorded his might over a retinue of underlings. The soft-willed president for whom he then worked catered to his every whim. In the heyday of his power, Clarke was seen around Washington in catered cars, laughing maliciously, and chewing on thick Cuban maduros.

All that came to a crashing halt under the eagle eye of a new, vigilent adminstration. Relieved of his minions, his cars, and his cigars, Clarke was struck low, compelled to toil in a windowless cinderblock building as a mere bureaucrat surfing the net for terrorist chatter. Oh how that must have chafed the embittered Clarke!

Secret documents produced by Attorney General Ashcroft show that Clarke was merely "biding his time" until he could resign and begin work on the very book published last week. Then, the documents said, he would "wreak a just vengeance upon his tormentors."

Much has been made of the fact that Mr. Clarke was a Reagan appointee who worked under three Republican Presidents and two Bushes. These belie a far more sinister past. Although he did, in fact, serve Presidents Reagan and Bush, he didn't like it. Past co-workers note that he was critical of Reagan, and suggested that the "trickle down" theory may have been flawed. Of the first President Bush, Mr. Clarke regularly observed that "that 'read my lips' thing is going to bite him in the ass." While working for both presidents, Clarke was described as "dour" and "tense."

But that all changed in January 1993 when one William J. Clinton came to town. Clarke's entire demeanor changed as rapidly as his ascent up the ladder of power. On more than one occasion, staffers watched as Clarke partied with internet millionaires in the Lincoln bedroom. According to some sources, Clarke was known as "Dick Party." It was not long before cars and cigars followed.

"Dick and Bill," said an anonymous source, "were like two bugs in a rug. A dirty, stained rug."

Finally, Secret documents by Attorney General Ashcroft also show that Mr. Clarke's Republican registration was no more than a ruse--part of his diabolical plot to defame the administration George W. Bush, banisher of evil, President and loyal defender of the United States of America.


posted by Jeff | 12:10 PM |
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