Notes on the Atrocities
Like a 100-watt radio station, broadcasting to the dozens...

Friday, April 16, 2004  


Affiliated Press International Writer

WASHINGTON (API)--What began as a hint in a televised press conference has now become full-blown White House policy: a secret operation to rid America of a new, gathering danger. In his press conference on Tuesday, the President hinted a sinister new threat confronting US forces as they battle the forces of evil--the turkey farm.

"I would have gone into Afghanistan the way we went into Afghanistan. Even knowing what I know today about the stockpiles of weapons, I still would have called upon the world to deal with Saddam Hussein. See, I happen to believe that we'll find out the truth on the weapons. That's why we've sent up the independent commission. I look forward to hearing the truth, exactly where they are. They could still be there. They could be hidden, like the 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm."*

Reiterating that threat at the White House rose garden today, Mr. Bush said a special ops team of Marines, working with an allied Polish unit, have begun a sting operation to root out the lords of these hidden menaces. "All over the Mideast they got these turkey farms, you see. Seem pretty harmless, right? Well, you think so, but you never know what's hidden in a turkey farm. Some of our intelligence has pointed to these locations as possible hiding grounds for weapons of mass destruction. Not just mustard gas, but chemical weapons, even nukes."**

The President refused to cite his sources and the CIA and FBI denied any knowledge of the turkey threat.

Although he did not overtly identify a separate threat, some administration watchers thought the President may have been hinting at a new, heretofore unknown threat, perhaps one associated with actual turkeys. What this may be, critics could not say. The did point out, however, that the turkey was a fairly ingenious delivery system. An unnamed Pentagon official told API that turkeys are versatile and sneaky. "Well, you got your live turkey, which is mobile, and your dead turkey, which is meat. Either way, it's pretty clever. And because most people don't think of turkey as a danger, they're not on guard."

Following the announcement, Homeland Security director Tom Ridge announced that the nation's threat warning would go up a notch from yellow to orange to reflect the heightened danger posed by the turkey farms. Mr. Ridge encouraged citizens to continue to eat turkey as they normally would, but to "exercise a higher level of observation" whenever turkeys or turkey meat was present.

*Actual quote.

** Fake quote.

posted by Jeff | 10:25 AM |
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