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Friday, May 07, 2004
GOD NOW ON ESTONIA'S SIDE
By HERM TUPPER
Affiliated Press International Writer
TALLINN (API)--After nearly six decades of backing, God has pulled His support from the United States and placed it in the tiny Baltic state of Estonia. The US won the almighty's support in the 1940s, after the plucky young country delivered Europe from the tyranny of Hitler. Ever since, even during difficult times like the McCarthy era, Watergate, disco, and the OJ trial, America could always rest easy knowing that God was, indeed, on its side.
The relationship became strained only recently, after a series of missteps by current President George W. Bush. "It wasn't so much the invasions," said Rev. Archie Tuttle, the Lord's spokesman, reached via telephone in his hermitage near Carmel. "It was the smugness. First Bush said God wanted him to be president. Then he pushed things by saying America was God's gift to the world and so on. It was really quite cheeky."
With the troubles in Iraq, the rising anti-Christian sentiment in the Mideast, and the effects of globalism on belief, God felt like it was time for a change. Still, no one predicted Estonia.
"We're delighted," said Prime Minister Juhan Parts. "Clearly, for most of the 20th Century, He was not on our side. We had a rough patch there. It's nice to finally get the show of support."
Estonia was selected, said Tuttle, for its humility. "God wanted to give a strong show of support for the little guy, the underdog," he said, in a thinly veiled swipe at the remaining superpower. "Estonia has a long history of humility, what with its being occupied so much."
"It sends a strong signal to activist nations--God is on the little guy's side," said Parts. "The days when a superpower can push other countries around--you know, invading them, commandeering their oil, torture, that kind of thing--and still say God is on their side; well, that's all done with. God is on our side, now."
In Washington, President Bush brushed off the snub. "This doesn't mean God opposes us or anything. He just felt it was time for a change. I understand that. As a powerful leader myself, I know that sometimes you gotta shake things up. The United States is committed to its actions across the world and we will stay the course. God may not be on our side anymore, but he's not on the evil-doers' side, either. He's on Entonia's side. What? Right, Estonia."
With the newly powerful backing, Estonia is now considering its options. "First the EU and now this. It's all very exciting. Perhaps we finally have an opportunity to popularize our national drink." The local beverage, ronuu, is made from fermented beets and is mildly alcoholic. "Delicious," said a smiling Parts.